Again I am scared and sad. Scared because I don’t know what is going to become of me. I like living in this house. It is the only one I’ve lived in that didn’t frighten me. Walking around the yard is fun. There are so many trees and paths to take. Every now and then there is a newly bloomed flower. Bunny and deer tracks are often spotted. The dike that runs across the yard is curious. One day I may dig around a part of it so the wall actually shows making a border. It will be a big task because the ground below an inch is hard packed. Across the valley and off to the west huge gigantic naturally formed dikes are an anomaly in this georgraphical area of the world. Ron’s favorite drive was pass the dikes in Cuchara along the famous HWY 12, the Legend of Highways. I haven’t learned much about the legends. They include the Indian tribes and Mexican people who roamed the area.
Every few days I decide to stop paying for Ron’s phone service. It is $70 a month. I don’t use his phone, not really. Cancelling it brings me to tears. It will be another reminder he is gone. He is not coming home. I sure hope when people die they are at rest, feeling peaceful and happy. Because living here without him has not been happy. Actually I am ok living here, it is going back to Florida that will puke up the sadness and the trauma of his death as I face people I love and who love me. It’s feels like when I took his ashes to his sister. It hurts, to carry that burden all the way across the country. The lonliness in the airport and now the long drive along the same route he and I traveled so many times during our camping trips and excited move here.
Despite the drama and our one big ugly disagreement, I liked living with him. I made him my life because it was like when I bought my boats, I was happy sailing them. I was happy reading alongside him. I was happy peeking outside to see if he was in the shed or down the hill chopping wood. I liked dancing with him. My favorite time was when we arrived in the Canadian Maritines. Parked alongside an enormous frozen lake. The wind howled around van. The chilled area penetrated the van. With the little propane ‘my buddy’ portable heater going full blast we drank a bottle of wine and danced, and danced, and laughed, and hugged, and laughed and danced some more.
Now, my life is more day to day, ‘ok what do I do now.’ Thankfully I have the energy to do things like yard work, play piano and uke, and as of this week doing an intense workout each day. Speaking of work outs I better go do a Tony Horton, P90X work out to keep up with my every other day mission of firming up my flabby thighs and sagging butt.
With 9 days to go, I have a lot of house planning to do, continue organizing the van, maybe even paint the new dividers Richard C and Clyde B helped me install. I need to get them each something as a token of appreciation. I need to write another 5 pages for my book today. And oops, right this second I need to go to the potty. J
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